tessastrain:

• Beauty and the Beast: If you go to a library or bookstore enough times and show the proper measure of enthusiasm, you will eventually get free stuff. You know in that opening sequence, Belle goes to the bookseller, borrows the book she has borrowed like three times before, and the bookseller’s all “If you like it all that much, it’s yours!” I definitely tried to pull that stunt at my elementary school library, checking the same book out repeatedly in the hope that Mrs. Spielman, the librarian whom I adored, would eventually recognize my enthusiasm and say “Here Tessa, this book clearly means more to you than it will to any other child, and you deserve to have it.” DIDN’T HAPPEN.
• The Lion King: It will ultimately be more rewarding to take responsibility for your life instead of having fun forever. NOPE.
• Sleeping Beauty: It’s pretty easy to convince birds to land on your outstretched finger. I actually have done this successfully! However it involved waiting under a hummingbird feeder for about a half hour with my finger elevated to the exact height of the perches on the feeder, and my arm got real sore, but a hummingbird did land on my finger, and I felt pretty cool about it. But it took a considerable amount of commitment.
• Robin Hood: A life of crime is fun, glamorous, and sometimes morally justifiable. Actually, I’m still working to convince myself that this is untrue. I’ll get back to you.
• Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: The wicked queen is not as beautiful as Snow White. Kind of a no-brainer, but the wicked queen is obviously mad gorgeous, where as Snow White is merely cute. My mom tried to feed me some inner beauty speech, but all I came away with was that the magic mirror was biased and/or malfunctioning. In retrospect the greater truth here is that many men and magic mirrors are often intimidated by powerful women and, as such, will opt for non-threatening types. Blaming and attacking said non-threatening types for this will only make you look bad and result in your unfortunate demise involving lightning and a cliff’s edge, so best to chill the fuck out and not worry about it. Actually, there are lots of good lessons in this movie. 
• Aladdin: It is difficult/frustrating to be rich. The first half of this movie is basically a reenactment of Pulp’s “Common People.” Sorry being a princess is so tough, Jasmine. Congratulations on having like ten to fifteen years on Aladdin in terms of life expectancy though!
• Pocahontas: It is safe to approach a mother bear and her cubs if you are trying to make some kind of conservationist point to a colonialist adventurer. IT IS NEVER SAFE TO APPROACH A MOTHER BEAR AND HER CUBS. JESUS, HAVE YOU PEOPLE NOT SEEN GRIZZLY MAN?!?!?!
• The Little Mermaid: You can flip your huge mane of waterlogged hair over your head in spectacular fashion without kind of hurting your neck. It kind of hurts your neck to do this.